Why Mentoring Matters

Why Mentoring Matters

by J.C. Delfino

My desire to help kids started with an earring and a haircut.  I don’t think I will ever forget that day.  I had come home after hanging out with some friends, a teenaged day prowling around the mall. We had walked up and down the mall, a group of four friends, four young men closer then brothers.  Somehow in the midst of the day I had been talked into getting an earring.  A little silver stud, I had joked later like the stud that wore it.  Seems like a little thing, but back then it was huge, most boys did not wear earrings, and it was a sign of rebellion. Meshed with the long shoulder length hair, denim jacket, black tee-shirt, and ripped jeans I gave the obvious appearance of a party animal.  A troubled child, the kind mothers warned their teenaged daughters to stay away from.

Hoodlum was the word of choice my father would use.  I was a hoodlum living under his roof.  I didn’t care what he thought of me, not that I expected him to think of me much. That twelve pack of beer was all he really thought about, one twelve pack after another.  The night I came home with my new earring, I joined him proudly at the table, flaunting it if you will.  I knew he would hate it, I didn’t care.  He told me to take it out, more of an order then a simple suggestion, his voice raised so it thundered around the room, probably shaking the very windows on the exterior of the building. And a hair cut, he had added.

“Take out that &*@# earring and get a haircut you $@%S^*# hoodlum.” Were his exact words, spitting beer at me as he screamed into my face.

“No.” Was the simple response, which I defiantly stated to my father. It was the last thing I would ever say to him while living under his roof.

His hand struck out like a bolt of lightning, sending me reeling to the floor. He was on me in a second, pinning my arms to the floor.

“What did you say to me?” He said cocking his fist behind him. If felt the blow to the bone next to my right eye as it sent flashes of light though my brain illuminating the room around me in ghostly images. If felt myself go limp under the constant brigade of blows, each punch a rhythmic song, like the beating of a base drum. Had it not been my face it probably would have been awesome to observe, during a mixed martial arts match. 

Finally he stood, told me to get to my room and gave me one swift kick for good measure as he went back to the table and his beer.  I watched as he slowly wiped the blood off his hands using the towel that he usually used to wipe up spilt beer. I rolled over to my side watching as the blood and tears slowly mixed with the dirt on the ground.  I stood slowly, wobbling and walked to my room.  I could hear my mother sobbing loudly in the bedroom.  We both knew I could take a punch better then her.

That night, after he was passed out, I left the house I was raised in.  At sixteen I was on my own, swearing never to live in that home again, although I have visited, I have never laid my head down to sleep there again.

I wish I could say that this was enough to get me to act out to help others but it wasn’t, it wasn’t until later in life, when I became a Christian and started studying the Bible that I decided that I would commit my life to helping women and children who couldn’t help themselves.  It is because of this desire to help, that I am writing this today.  There is not a glory seeking effort pointing at me and what I have been though, but look at these kids out there, tonight knowing they are going to endure though punishment like I described before.

Child abuse and neglect are real things, they happen on a day to day basis, and you probably know someone who is or has suffered though it, you might have yourself.  This is a real problem, but I want to tell you that right now, today, you can help.  Not every child experiences this kind of torture, but it is amazing how many people out there just need someone to care about them, to spend some time with them.  It is common knowledge that time is the thing most kids want, but let’s go past just time, let’s look at quality time.

Kids experience time with abusive or neglective parents, but it isn’t quality time.  Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines an orphan as “a child deprived by death of one or usually both parents…. [or] one deprived of some protection or advantage.” We need to accept these kids as they really are, orphans, although they may have “parents” they are not protected by them, often times the kids do not even feel loved by them.  Let’s face it there are countless kids who don’t fit into the normal traditional family view.  What is the traditional family, the normal family?  Calvin Trillin in his sartorial essay A Traditional Family worded it best.

“In fact, most people find us rather traditional. My wife and I have a marriage certificate, although I can’t say I know exactly where to put my hands on it right at the moment. We have two children. We have a big meal on Christmas. We put on costumes at Halloween….We make family decisions in the traditional American family way, which is to say the father is manipulated by the wife and the children.  We lose a lot of socks in the wash. At our house, the dishes are done and the garbage is taken out regularly.” (546)

I feel it is safe to assume that most families don’t even fall under these conditions any more, long gone are the days of “Leave it to Beaver” where the dad works his eight hours and comes home to a dotting wife, who provides care for all of the needs of the kids, but leaving some of the manly advice, of course, up to dad.

 On my blog, I wrote an article about the decrease of “normal homes” and just how far from the traditional family has we have fallen. Marriages fail on a daily basis, just looking at the daily newspapers is proof of that, it often seems like there are more marriages failing then there are starting.  I went on to state  that “in a society where 50% of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce more and more families are being left in shambles and single parents are trying to work and raise kids at the same time.” (Dire Need for Mentors).  Even kids who are physically and mentally cared for are left to raise themselves and their younger siblings.  Kids are raising kids without the guidance of an adult today.

That is where mentoring fits in, let me tell you first off mentoring is very rewarding to not only the mentee, but also to the mentor. I recently had the honor of sitting down and discussing the topic of mentoring with Nora Carpenter the director of The Big Brothers and Big Sisters of Southern Idaho.  We chatted for almost an hour about this topic and she pointed out many key facts and stories of success that will stay with me for years to come. The thing that stood out most to me was a comment that she made about what people expect from mentoring. “It is never what you think it is going to be.  It is more, it is different, it is rewarding.”  She went on to talk about how people come in with preconceived notions about what mentoring is and they are almost always wrong.

Let’s be frank here, most people think they are going to get some troubled child and have to watch their every step. That is not the truth at all; Ms. Carpenter stated that there is a lengthy process to match the qualities between the mentor and the mentee, finding similar interests between the two.  A mentor who loves fishing would take a child out fishing who had a big desire to learn how to fish.  While a mentor who loves playing video games would be paired up with a mentee who thrives on the same thing. 

Just spending time with the mentee begins to improve their moral and the mentor can begin to give advice and pointers that need to be addressed to add to the future potential of the child.

When discussing the advantages of mentoring others, various people and books that I have read always come back to the fact that it is extremely rewarding. It is even believed that helping others can and will increase our own morale and happiness. David Myers’ goes into the concept of happiness to a great degree.  He goes so far as to list “Focus beyond self [as the ability to] Reach out to those in need. Happiness increases helpfulness (those who feel good do good). But doing good also makes us feel good.” as one of the key steps to being happier. (264). 

So if doing good deeds were not enough of a reason to invest in someone else’s life, there are other motivators.  First and foremost would be legacy.  All people want to be remembered, what better way to be remembered then as someone who was willing to step up and help someone who was not able to do it themselves.  People also want to make sure that their belief systems, moral, social, and religious views are carried on to the next generation, often reaching out from their own family boundaries into the lives of others.

In short the greatest advantages of mentoring are simply what you get back from it.  In The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren goes into great detail about having a servant mindset. He points out that the world defines a great person as someone who had succeeded in personal importance. Someone who has gained “power, possessions, prestige, or position.”(257).

He challenges the reader to see just how empty that is. I sit in classes every week with people who have one primary thought and concern, education for a better job, therefor having a better life.  Is a job the key to a better life, or just one of the ways you can affect the world around you?

When trying to decide who to mentor, whether or not it is a child, a peer, or even a stranger on the street, Mr. Warren breaks it down into several important steps. I wish to point out the first two. First “Real servants make themselves available to serve” (258) this is the primary factor to successful mentoring, or any other worthy goal. Make time for it.  “Real servants [mentors] do what’s needed, even with its inconvenient.”(259). Secondly “Real servants pay attention to needs.”(259). In a tired, hurting and scared world, needs are all around you.  Your families have needs, your friends have needs, your neighbors have needs, and the stranger walking the dog down the street has needs.   Everyone has needs, if don’t believe me ask yourself simply this, does the person reading this right now, you, have needs that are not being met?  A hunger pain, a headache, help with homework, a spouse who won’t listen, a break long enough to take a relaxing bath? 

Yes you do, we all do. The key is to meet those needs head on. Handle the needs that we can, make the world a little better for someone else.  Mr. Warren went on to quote John Wesley whose motto was simply “Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, for as long as you can.”(259).

After making the decision to step up and assist these kids you might be wondering what to do next, it really boils down to consistency.  Nothing is worse for a child then an inconsistent mentor.  When you say you are going to be there, be there.

You might be thinking about how to deal with kids, it seems terrifying if you don’t have kids of your own….especially if you get assigned or pick a “troubled youth”.  Let me point out that trouble youth are like a diamond in the rough, they just need a little more support and encouragement then other kids.  Dr. Kaye Otten put together a wonderful book on reaching children with challenging behavior, and gave the following suggestions when working with them and developing a positive relationship. First and foremost like I stated before is be consistent, not only does it develop trust, which many kids lack in adults. It also teaches the child to become a person of their word. They learn from example, so set a positive one and make your word your bond.

Secondly develop a partnership, you are not the boss, encourage the child to take ownership in their own life and then guide them with advice and actions, explain to them that they are not so different from where you are in life, explain how the choices they make would affect you if you made the same choices.  Assist them in making and achieving goals, think of their future and what they want to make of it, help them set realistic but obtainable goals.

Thirdly and most importantly focus your attention on positive feedback.  Most kids in need of mentoring fall within two different forms of parenting the super strict and the super lenient. They are either over controlled or left to their own devices.  Many receive little or no words of encouragement, and this is a world of negativity. It drives kids to drugs, sex, and even suicide.   Just having someone notice and encourage them can forever change their life.

Another key factor to understand is not every child that needs mentoring is in trouble or having trouble at home.  Mitch Minnette the director of the Boys and Girls club in Nampa, Idaho stated it best. He explained to me that you have three groups of kids, the first group are the ones who get into trouble, the second group is the group that doesn’t get into trouble, and third are the kids in the middle, they don’t look for trouble but sometimes it happens, those are the ones we really need to watch out for, if we can curb them and stop them before they get into trouble with a little healthy guidance it can and will change their life forevermore.

There are many people in this world who just need someone to step up and help them out, give them a hand up not a hand out.  They need someone to set them on their feet along a very hard and treacherous road that they call life.  There is someone who can help them, someone who has something to offer that no one else can, you.  You can offer yourself.  Bob Berg wrote in The Go-Giver a simple phrase that can change your life if you put it into the proper perspective. He said simply, “The most valuable gift you have to give is yourself” (1441).

Works Cited

Berg, Bob, and John D. Mann. The Go-Giver – A Little Story About a Powerful Business Idea. Kindle Edition. Portfolio, 2007. 1441. eBook.

Carpenter, Nora. Personal Interview. 10 Nov. 2011

Delfino III, James. “The Dire Need for Mentors.” http://www.jimdelfino.blogspot.com It’s Not Ok…Walk it Off. 04 2011 Web. 4 Nov 2011

Minnette, Mitch. Personal Interview 8 Nov. 2011

Myers, Avid G. Psychology in Everyday Life. New York: Worth Pub, 2009. 260-264.

Print

"Orphan." http://www.merriam-webster.com. Marriam-Webster, 2011. Web. 13 Nov 2011.

Otten, Kaye, and Jodie Tuttle. How To Reach And Teach Children With Challenging Behavior, Practical, Ready-to-Use Interventions That Work. 1st ed. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2011. Print.

Trillin, Calvin.  “A Traditional Family”. The Writer’s Presence. Ed. Donald McQuade and Robert Atwan. Boston: Bedford/St. Martin’s. 545-547. Print.

Warren, Rick. The Purpose Driven Life, What on Earth Am I Here For?. Grand

            Rapids: Zondervan, 2002. Print.